Follow up to unrealistic reality.

   I know that guys are a part of life, clearly. Creepy ones especially. I know now that I can't just pray for people to go away just because I do not want to deal with them. Like my bus buddy, for instance, I clearly know that I need to be assertive, frank and brave. If I cannot speak up about things, how should I expect them to change? He likes me a lot and for a while now I have been aware of this. But at first I thought that I was making assumptions, because his behavior is... different. But his issues aside, I need to find balance in my life. I want to be kind to people but trying to draw a clear line without hurting someone is hard. When it gets down to it, I will stand up and speak out. But I need to learn how to apply that to everyday life. I let people walk over me because I cannot speak up. And then I will beat myself up for saying the wrong thing. With my "bus buddy" I tend to not be able to find the right thing to say in the first place. How forceful can you be with someone who has a mental handicap? He is not an idiot! He understands things just fine. I am praying that I learn this lesson as soon as possible because it has been going on long enough.

   But then there is the issue of what do you do when you have a persona who stares at you? Do you ignore them? It is even more awkward when you ignore them because you know that they are staring at you. The art class guy stares at me. Which should be flattering if I wasn't so creeped out by it! He always says the stupidest things, too. I don't get it. Why me? I guess I need to pray. Hopefully he will forget that I exist! Well, probably not considering that he apparently stares at me while we are drawing. And when I am standing... And then when he does talk to me he just comes off as anything but flattering. Tonight I was standing over the garbage can in the back of the room, sharpening my pencils, and he is standing there drying his hands. I know that he is going to do something so I ignore him and keep sharpening. Then all the sudden his eyes are glued to me. Like unfavorably glued. And so I look at him. Yep. He was staring at me. "You have a hickey on your neck," he says. My question now is, why? Why would someone say that to another person? Why would he even notice? Why does he have to be so annoyingly aggravating? The list goes on. I respond with a frank, "NO. I don't have a hickey." At which point I can hear Tabitha subtly (and by subtly I mean as subtly as an elephant in the middle of the bathroom) muttering. Something like "jail bait" and "cough cough" because she always has to tease me when he does stuff like this. Now all I can say is, "It's none of your business anyways!" He responds blunderingly, I manage to just walk away being done sharpening the pencils at this point and I go to bury my head behind my friend until he leaves the classroom. 

   If you are reading this. Please pray for me. I really need strength, wisdom, courage... and so much more. Right at this point I wish that my life was boring. Go to school, go home, go to work and repeat. But I know that is not God's plan. All I have to do is listen and try to figure out what His desire is because I know that he does not want to make me suffer. Other then that life is great! Ha. Ha. Ha. Yep. Each day is a new adventure and a new mystery where I have to find God in the little things. Every person I meet, all the homework assigned, classes that I attend, I have to wait upon the Lord. 

 

"Jesus only did

what he saw you do

he would only say
what he heard you speak" 

 

Unrealistic reality splashed upon the pages. Are we ten years old?

I am ignoring my frustration. For what reason am I so flustered? Angry? I suppose it is because I was humiliated. Or rather I was in denial and someone popped my bubble. Then from his own mouth, it was verified. Not in a confession, for what are we? Little children on the playground. It sure seems that way. Who do you think I am? Your contemporary? Five years. That separation causes me to shudder. The gap that at first was not even there. And that is where the idea grew and flourished.
Had I allowed this to happen? In my own careless kindness, did I miss the signs? No, I ignored them. Brushing them off like a piece of lint from my shoulder, I flicked it away. But now all I feel is irritation. What I feel can be described as disappointment in myself. Although none of it was really in my hands. I saw it in his eyes when he first spoke to me. Up until that point we had been divided. Several weeks passed, the only recognition I bestowed upon him was in passing whispers amongst a friend and I.
I have no feelings for him but pity. My soft spot for the shunned idiot. How had he survived this long? Cheap, lazy and loud mouthed. It was no wonder that even the professor did not like him. In fact, he truly disliked him. A soft spot because even the classmates around him do not like him. But then again, neither do I. Had I given some permission unknowingly? None of it is up to me.

Yet still, he likes me?

Dear individual,

I do not want to argue. I do not want to debate. I do not want to have my opinions shot down or trampled on because you know something that I do not know. I am writing what I know, what I believe and what I was asked to do. I am not going to lie or say something that is against what I believe. In fact, you cannot ask me to write something that goes against what I believe. 

   Recently I have really been struggling with my writing class. He is liberal, I am not. He shows us videos and has us respond to essays on a similar topic written by someone. The videos I am alright with. Although at times like after watching the Straight Man in a Gay World, it discussion got to be a bit much. One thing that has been reinforced is that I do not know everything. I already knew that. In fact, I am sure I know little to nothing compared to my professor.

   It is not so much the content but rather that I do not know what he is asking for? Or if I want to provide what he is asking for. It is clear that he wants us to be able to express our opinions and formulate them in a manner that can be widely understood. But I do not want to argue. I do not want to put myself out there were I can get trampled on. I am not some courageous lioness. 

   It should be easier then I am making it. Continually I am caught up in someone else's ideals. Or just simply facts, who knows more than whom? Which person is right and what is some extensive lie. Does Global Warming exist? If it does did is cause Katrina? Is Evolution a fact now instead of a theory? Do scientists even know what they are talking about now days or are they just making it up as they go?

   Muslims. I do not hate them. For it is not in my copacetic to truly hate someone. Nor is it in my religion to hate someone. I may not know exactly what they or even others really believe but I do know that I want to understand the person on the inside. Do you have the capacity for blind faith? Or is it simply that as the Dali Lama said something along the lines of, "religion is tainted by our own selfish desires." I must question the person behind every face. If I see a snake I can tell if it is poisonous. But if I see a person, it not so easy. We often write people off because of an outward sign of religion. If we see a woman wearing a Hijab (Islamic headdress), should we fear her? Or should we fear the faceless people who give out death threats.

  I do not want to debate. I want facts, if you can prove something to me then go ahead. But if it is still caught up in controversy in which either side will chomp at the bit for an opportunity to shove their ideas down your throat, then no thank you. I do not want to discuss controversial topics, that is not who I am. I follow what God says, I will not go out asking for a fight unless he prompts me to. 

     How am I supposed to ever feel safe sharing my ideas? 

     I know that I need to pray for boldness.