Pride vs. Inner Beauty

There is so much negativity going around and you do not need to be it's carriage! I started my second year of college yesterday and it is difficult for me to be confident. Over a period of time I have come to the realization that I have succumb to pride. What do I mean? Being a people-pleaser, worrying about what others think of me, etc. Fear of man is consuming and it distracts from what God is doing. God has not given us a spirit of fear! (2 Timothy 1:17) Do not bring yourself down or judge those around you. "Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr

Every girl should know that she is beautiful, important, smart and irreplaceable. It is my prayer that women will be able to walk in their God given destinies instead of bowing down the destructive lies of this world. Eve has been redeemed! Romans 8:2 says, "because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." God wants to see his children healed and whole.

I know that I need to pray when ever negativity tries to sneak its way into my heart. And I know that I am on that campus to be a light to those around me. That person is going to like you for your inner light. Do not worry about making someone like you because you already are beautiful, smart and important. My prayer right now is to receive God's incredible joy in my life. Never allow the darkness of this world to distract you.

Accountable.

I feel like I need to ask for your forgiveness. I have not been standing strong. This has really been a time for growth for me personally, a time for me to really fight for my faith. First being tested in college, now left to my own devices during the summer time. I had taken my eyes off of God and all that he has for me. I actually slipped back into the lies and the devil was trying to tie me down with old bondage that Jesus had freed me of. Forgive me because as I know that some of you look to me as a friend and a sister. I am accountable for my actions.

It is amazing how many things in the day try to weigh you down. I had forgotten the peace and freedom that comes from God alone. Being distracted by my own need to be loved and refusing to put in the effort to seek the fullness of God's love. There is no small sin, even that of a simple thought is to be weighed heavily. Even songs on the radio can provoke thoughts, feelings, emotions. I was weak of mind and I want my new resolution to be public.

I cannot live day to day life without God. With all the lies that are spread in movies, music and television there has to be a voice of truth. For each step I take forwards towards God, the devil is going to try and trip me. But I refuse to back down.

Nearly a year or more ago I got a vision of myself in a dark hallway. It was pitch black except this light at the end. I knew that light was God, the fullness of his Spirit. But I had to go down this hall filled with boxes and crates and things. At the time he felt to far away, even though I could see him at the end. As of last Sunday God officially grabbed a hold of my heart again. Now during worship I can feel myself getting closer to Him, knowing that my falling down is apart of the journey, it's climbing over the boxes that it seems so hard at times but I have to keep my eyes ahead. It's hard to see what you have until you lose it. I single handedly almost ruined my relationship with God. In the moment of sin, nothing matters, all you can see is that one moment. I really need some serious perspective! What is important to me? My family, my future, my friends. Sin can destroy all three of those things with just one choice! I am saying YES to Jesus. I want the fullness of God! Shekinah Glory come down. I know that He has forgiven me and been waiting patiently for me all this time. Now that he has caught my attention I am keeping my eyes fixed on Him.

Books on my list... The Bible and Captivating. I need more Bible in my day to day life. Praying that God will speak to me when I read His word, it has been so dry recently. Need prayer? Because I am spending a lot of time talking to God right now. Please keep me in your prayers as well! <3

Moments.

   You know those moments of weakness? Everyone has them. Of course for each person it does not mean the same thing. To some people looking at their friend's life their moments may seem like nothing compared to their own because each person fights their own battles. For me, I have always struggled with ideas of worth. Where am I supposed to find my worth? Is it something that is built in or something that you have to discover? Typically that is what the enemy attacks. He breeds lies about you and some how convinces you that they are true. I often wonder (in my moments of mountain top confidence) how I could fall for such simple things! Something that I know is that I need outside opinions in those times of self doubt. Not just anyone, but someone who you will believe when the tell you the truth.

   I will say something else. 

   It's really easy to say things that are negative about yourself and even about other people. But can you find the good? I dare you to list at least five good qualities about yourself. Don't just make stuff up off the top of your head or be prideful about it. Really pray about it. Ask God to reveal what he really thinks about you. This is for your benefit so do not allow it to get you down if you cannot think of five. In fact, I'll have a hard time thinking of five! But once I do I will post them on the blog. As you write out those five qualities, allow them to take root over what ever the enemy has been trying to speak over you lately. We will not stand silent and accept lies! We are cherished children of God.

Zephaniah 3:17 says "The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing..."

Follow up to unrealistic reality.

   I know that guys are a part of life, clearly. Creepy ones especially. I know now that I can't just pray for people to go away just because I do not want to deal with them. Like my bus buddy, for instance, I clearly know that I need to be assertive, frank and brave. If I cannot speak up about things, how should I expect them to change? He likes me a lot and for a while now I have been aware of this. But at first I thought that I was making assumptions, because his behavior is... different. But his issues aside, I need to find balance in my life. I want to be kind to people but trying to draw a clear line without hurting someone is hard. When it gets down to it, I will stand up and speak out. But I need to learn how to apply that to everyday life. I let people walk over me because I cannot speak up. And then I will beat myself up for saying the wrong thing. With my "bus buddy" I tend to not be able to find the right thing to say in the first place. How forceful can you be with someone who has a mental handicap? He is not an idiot! He understands things just fine. I am praying that I learn this lesson as soon as possible because it has been going on long enough.

   But then there is the issue of what do you do when you have a persona who stares at you? Do you ignore them? It is even more awkward when you ignore them because you know that they are staring at you. The art class guy stares at me. Which should be flattering if I wasn't so creeped out by it! He always says the stupidest things, too. I don't get it. Why me? I guess I need to pray. Hopefully he will forget that I exist! Well, probably not considering that he apparently stares at me while we are drawing. And when I am standing... And then when he does talk to me he just comes off as anything but flattering. Tonight I was standing over the garbage can in the back of the room, sharpening my pencils, and he is standing there drying his hands. I know that he is going to do something so I ignore him and keep sharpening. Then all the sudden his eyes are glued to me. Like unfavorably glued. And so I look at him. Yep. He was staring at me. "You have a hickey on your neck," he says. My question now is, why? Why would someone say that to another person? Why would he even notice? Why does he have to be so annoyingly aggravating? The list goes on. I respond with a frank, "NO. I don't have a hickey." At which point I can hear Tabitha subtly (and by subtly I mean as subtly as an elephant in the middle of the bathroom) muttering. Something like "jail bait" and "cough cough" because she always has to tease me when he does stuff like this. Now all I can say is, "It's none of your business anyways!" He responds blunderingly, I manage to just walk away being done sharpening the pencils at this point and I go to bury my head behind my friend until he leaves the classroom. 

   If you are reading this. Please pray for me. I really need strength, wisdom, courage... and so much more. Right at this point I wish that my life was boring. Go to school, go home, go to work and repeat. But I know that is not God's plan. All I have to do is listen and try to figure out what His desire is because I know that he does not want to make me suffer. Other then that life is great! Ha. Ha. Ha. Yep. Each day is a new adventure and a new mystery where I have to find God in the little things. Every person I meet, all the homework assigned, classes that I attend, I have to wait upon the Lord. 

 

"Jesus only did

what he saw you do

he would only say
what he heard you speak" 

 

Unrealistic reality splashed upon the pages. Are we ten years old?

I am ignoring my frustration. For what reason am I so flustered? Angry? I suppose it is because I was humiliated. Or rather I was in denial and someone popped my bubble. Then from his own mouth, it was verified. Not in a confession, for what are we? Little children on the playground. It sure seems that way. Who do you think I am? Your contemporary? Five years. That separation causes me to shudder. The gap that at first was not even there. And that is where the idea grew and flourished.
Had I allowed this to happen? In my own careless kindness, did I miss the signs? No, I ignored them. Brushing them off like a piece of lint from my shoulder, I flicked it away. But now all I feel is irritation. What I feel can be described as disappointment in myself. Although none of it was really in my hands. I saw it in his eyes when he first spoke to me. Up until that point we had been divided. Several weeks passed, the only recognition I bestowed upon him was in passing whispers amongst a friend and I.
I have no feelings for him but pity. My soft spot for the shunned idiot. How had he survived this long? Cheap, lazy and loud mouthed. It was no wonder that even the professor did not like him. In fact, he truly disliked him. A soft spot because even the classmates around him do not like him. But then again, neither do I. Had I given some permission unknowingly? None of it is up to me.

Yet still, he likes me?

Dear individual,

I do not want to argue. I do not want to debate. I do not want to have my opinions shot down or trampled on because you know something that I do not know. I am writing what I know, what I believe and what I was asked to do. I am not going to lie or say something that is against what I believe. In fact, you cannot ask me to write something that goes against what I believe. 

   Recently I have really been struggling with my writing class. He is liberal, I am not. He shows us videos and has us respond to essays on a similar topic written by someone. The videos I am alright with. Although at times like after watching the Straight Man in a Gay World, it discussion got to be a bit much. One thing that has been reinforced is that I do not know everything. I already knew that. In fact, I am sure I know little to nothing compared to my professor.

   It is not so much the content but rather that I do not know what he is asking for? Or if I want to provide what he is asking for. It is clear that he wants us to be able to express our opinions and formulate them in a manner that can be widely understood. But I do not want to argue. I do not want to put myself out there were I can get trampled on. I am not some courageous lioness. 

   It should be easier then I am making it. Continually I am caught up in someone else's ideals. Or just simply facts, who knows more than whom? Which person is right and what is some extensive lie. Does Global Warming exist? If it does did is cause Katrina? Is Evolution a fact now instead of a theory? Do scientists even know what they are talking about now days or are they just making it up as they go?

   Muslims. I do not hate them. For it is not in my copacetic to truly hate someone. Nor is it in my religion to hate someone. I may not know exactly what they or even others really believe but I do know that I want to understand the person on the inside. Do you have the capacity for blind faith? Or is it simply that as the Dali Lama said something along the lines of, "religion is tainted by our own selfish desires." I must question the person behind every face. If I see a snake I can tell if it is poisonous. But if I see a person, it not so easy. We often write people off because of an outward sign of religion. If we see a woman wearing a Hijab (Islamic headdress), should we fear her? Or should we fear the faceless people who give out death threats.

  I do not want to debate. I want facts, if you can prove something to me then go ahead. But if it is still caught up in controversy in which either side will chomp at the bit for an opportunity to shove their ideas down your throat, then no thank you. I do not want to discuss controversial topics, that is not who I am. I follow what God says, I will not go out asking for a fight unless he prompts me to. 

     How am I supposed to ever feel safe sharing my ideas? 

     I know that I need to pray for boldness. 

Pondering.

I can hardly believe how incredible my God is. Despite how I may feel, no matter how terrible my day is, I can always remember that my heavenly father is God. He will always be there if you turn to him and wait patiently. I suppose that my biggest problem is the waiting. If I am standing still then how can I get anything done? But His plans are always greater then my own. He is so in love with me, it's impossible to comprehend at times. 

Christianity is founded on Love. 

God is LOVE.

Relationships are based on Love.

So if Christianity is a relationship with the creator [GOD, LOVE, etc] then love should be the foundation for everything, no? It is not for us to hate, look down on or despise. We are called to have pure, lasting relationships with God first then with others. This is my prayer that I... I mean we will all be able to understand true love. :D <3

freedom from guilt or evil; innocence.

I suppose that the lesson for today is that you should never lose your purity. Now unlike what most people think, purity does not mean the stereotypical naive or baby-ish. It is not that you don't know anything or have never experienced anything! But rather for me it is an untainted view, heart or mind. It is not weakness but rather our strength. 

"Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12 

It is not by my own strength but by Jesus' that I may boldly approach God's throne. It would be weak however to succumb to the world, to settle for the tainted and momentary pleasures of this place. Odd when you think of it like that? It is so very often that the Devil will distort that truth, as he often does. Making something Godly and powerful sound mediocre and lame.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

So many times in a day will the Devil try and snatch your greatest strength from you. He will constantly be trying to drive sin between you and God. Your heavenly father has a desire to have an intimate [adj. associated in close personal relations, very private; closely personal] relationship with you. He does not want just a surface level friendship. God wants to speak to your heart and to reveal his love to you! 

I am glad that our God is a God of second chances! 

He waits patiently for me to get over myself and chase after him.